The colleague who is always late. The colleague who makes too much noise. The colleague who is spinning balls all day long. The colleague who does not keep his promises. The colleague who stinks – we all have them.
Still, there’s a good chance that no one will hold them accountable for their behavior and when they do, it’s usually too late, the situation escalates miserably and everyone is offended and hurt.
This is the bleak summary of how it usually goes with criticizing colleagues. Gytha Heins gives lectures on how to do it and also wrote a book about it, Contact, just do it! It came out in a new edition last week, with extra attention to addressing when you work together remotely.
Yes, an entire book about how to address colleagues – that is necessary, I noticed myself when I read it. Because criticizing colleagues is the hardest thing there is. Be honest, that applies to you too, right?
That’s humane, Heins says when I call her about it. “We talk about it all day long; we need to address each other! But in our hearts we don’t want that. Certainly not when it concerns our supervisors or when we have to address a colleague about personal matters such as hygiene, alcohol consumption or the sound of voice. That is in our nature.”
Because we want to be liked! Belong to the group. They quickly find it patronizing to admonish colleagues, want to keep the peace and not cause others – and ourselves – to lose face.
And that while we all know how to ‘criticize’. Anyone at work can rattle the feedback rules like that, says Heins.
That you should stick to the facts and not generalize. That you should not say, “You always listen so badly!” but, “I noticed you interrupted me a lot in the meeting just now.” And that afterwards you have to say what bothers you, so: “That makes it seem like you don’t take me seriously.” But we rarely say that.
Instead, we let our annoyances simmer for far too long until we blurt it all out in one go (‘You always do this!!’) and it never works out – we wait too long to criticize.
Such a shame, says Heins. Because if you ‘bite’ through the sour apple and start before the bucket is completely full, you might be able to make it right and make all your colleagues happy. Because that one colleague you find annoying, is probably the same for everyone else. To address? Do it right away, preferably tomorrow!
To help you on your way, we thought of the best way to start such a conversation. Or better, how better not to start such a conversation. Otherwise you have taken that huge bump and you are still 3-0 behind. Do they come:
7 Never start with: “I have a thing” or: “Do you have a thing?” – with that you make the issue unnecessarily small while it is very important to you.
6 Also, don’t say, “I’m just being honest.” That’s often just an excuse to throw all your grams on the table. Besides, why would you say you’re honest? Is the option that you are not still there?
5 “Do with it what you will, but…” Don’t say it. Because then there is a good chance that your colleague will say: “Thank you for your story, but I’m not doing anything with it.”
4 “Sorry to say it, but…” If it’s important enough to you and you’ve finally gathered the courage to talk to that annoying coworker, there’s no need to apologize for it. After all, that would show that you don’t take yourself seriously.
3 “How do you think it is going?” Definitely one of the dumbest things you can say in the office, but especially in a ‘feedback situation’. Because suppose your colleague answers: “Fine!” Then the conversation has already ended before it has started and you can drop off again. It is also less relevant what the other person thinks. It is primarily about how her or his behavior comes across to you.
2 Also not smart to open with, says Heins, is: “I have the feeling that you…”, or “I think that you…” Because with that you give a hard judgement, wrapped in a soft jacket. So rather say: “I hear that you…”, “I saw that you…” – then you stick to the facts and you run less risk of escalation.
1 But the worst start of a bad news conversation is surely: “It’s not personal, but…” Because it is, in fact, personal, says Heins. It is behavior that you specifically cannot stand from this person.
You probably mean: it’s not about all your behavior, always, but only about this behavior then, but then say so. It’s not all that hard, folks. Well, it is actually very difficult.
Lots of luck with it!
How was your week? Tips for Japke-d. Bouma through @Japked on Twitter.
#annoying #colleague #talk
source https://pledgetimes.com/that-one-annoying-colleague-talk-to-him/
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